It seems like everyday. Im drifting away from everyone. Well not from everyone. Just from two persons. And i wondered why i felt left out. I dont feel included, i feel like it is only them two. I feel like i'm just there taking space. Maybe i wanted to say Happy Birthday too. But instead you took some one else. I dont know who my best friends are. And if you are my best friend, i dont see it, i dont feel it. Am i being whiny? I dont know. Maybe im just being ultra sensitive. But right now i dont know how to feel. I wish i had an actual. person to talk to instead of writing this on some website. But then again, i dont want to burden anyone with all my troubles, i dont want to talk to anyone who wont understand, or be biased about my feelings.

I've been looking for a best friend, maybe even two for a while, and for once i thought i found it. For once i thought, "Finally these are the people, who i can trust". And we will be friends forever. And then this happens. Well it happened before, me feeling this way, and this just made me reassure my feelings.

Why do i have to feel this way? Why do i have to feel like its only me, alone. In this situation. I dont want to feel this way. I want to have people i can rely, people i can trust. But then when i trust those people, i get let down. Then im standing here by myself again.

And to think it was only a couple of weeks ago when i actually felt in place, when i felt like these are my friend, these are my best friends.

I had so much fun that day. I didnt feel confused. I was rested and complete. And all feelings of doubt and unsureness went away. Then this happens, not once but twice.

First it was the concert, then it is this, this Happy Birthday. If they only knew, i was right there, if they only knew how i felt.

I get this kind of high, when i feel like i belong. It is this unnatural feeling for me. I feel at ease. I hate doubting my friendships, i hate feeling that turn in my stomach that makes me feel like i want to cry.

That is why i love books, i can get lost in the relationships of the characters and live vicariously through them.

And the thing is, i dont have the problem with the people, they are fine. They're actually great people. But its the situations they put me in, well not the situations they put me in, but the situations im intruding.

Now im wondering, since my other friend is leaving, what is it going to be like when she is gone? What is going to happen, am i going to be left in the dust, feeling worse than ever, am i going to be included and feel happy, or included and still feeling left out, like im just being tagged along.

I dont know yet. Really and truly i dont want to know. But i just wanna feel like, i have people around me, who love me. And i want to know it, see it and feel it.